China Calling

there are some days where i just feel like running away
to be alone, where nobody knows me, and i know no one. 

there are some days where I want to run away from God
He's infiltrated so many parts of my life 
I have nothing left for myself 
I'm tired of fighting the war within myself 
I'm tired of losing
i'm tired that I have to stand up again and
continue walking the walk 
I know I should walk 

These are the days I don't know what to do
I just sink into myself 

In these days I usually run some place in Singapore
here I don't know where or how to run away


I know that no matter where I run 
God is there
Even if I go to the depths of Sheoul 
He is there, I am under His mighty hand. 

But I still can't stop running for some reason. 

 that means nerd in Chinese. Except the Chinese version of the nerd is really, really, extreme, the socially awkward kid who doesn't know what to do with him or herself as long as other homo sapiens lurk around, the kid who sees more words than daylight (computer screen light excluded). 

when it comes to exam time, i tend to morph into something like that, whenever I am blessed with the concentration to (this is not me being sarcastic, i'd rather this than no concentration), or the urgency that comes with the lack of time. 

except here i'm 宅女！cos i'm in China see. and no mom and dad and home and bed to whine to and hole myself up in. i do feel rather sad for myself at points but right now i'm just amused that the state i'm in, ultimate cuiineesssss. hahahhaha. 

I know my days are in God's hands, so back to work...

XOXO. 

 1 June 2010, my room has air-con!! Finally, I can be okay in my room..winter = too cold. with heater= warm and cosy. heater was switched off = freezing. summer came -= too hot. finally, summer came and air con is now on= perfect. 

aye, huge milestone okay. no fan no aircon only a small window space to breathe from, coming from an air-conditioned nation = huge milestone.

1 June 2010, more time alone. my friend here has alot on her plate at the moment, so more time to do things myself and be alone. so far okay, more time to pause, think, just be. also find myself stoning alot more. hahha .

back to 民法。。

 Today I got up early to meet a family friend for breakfast at Macs, was told to be early because he was a stickler for punctuality, I was late by 3 minutes and he, by 5, for totally valid reasons: had just gotten off the train. 

Today before I got up early to meet a family friend for breakfast at Macs, I put on my 3rd pair of monthly contact lenses, saw the two remaining pairs, and knew that I wasn't the only one counting down. 

Today I met the family friend at Macs for breakfast and there, I knew God was speaking his words. It's more myself that feels scared and feels the pressure when it comes to sharing my faith, more so than the ones who hear. I told him I've always felt this way whenever it comes to talking about the faith I tell myself I live by. And he said quite simply, "Just live out your faith." Then my next thought was, why do I that find that so hard? 

Today I found myself thinking, is there no faith for which I live by? is that why it's so hard? 

Today I my friend told me something close to her heart and sitting outside a Christian bookshop while talking to her on the phone, I told her to bring it to God and lay it at His feet. 

Today in class there was an interesting discussion about how Chinese traditions were and are centred around the family unit, and how that coheres--if at all--with the idea of equality before the law that underpins civil law (which China has adopted). Today in class this boy stood up and said that in other countries like America their traditions are already rooted in other things, like, say, religion, and he went on to say, for instance Christianity which is a big thing in America says that God gives you all your wealth and possessions, and therefore inheritance laws and inheritance trends in America tend to facilitate the giving of wealth to charities, rather than helping wealth to stay within the family, as per China (which has no such roots in religion). Today I stayed awake in class long enough to hear that, and today I thought to myself, this boy knows alot about Christianity for a Chinese student. 

Today I stuck around after class to listen in on a discussion he had with an American student who was giving her views about what he said, and asked him how he knew so much about Christianity. 

Today I found my first Christian Chinese friend in school. 

Today, I found God in many parts of my day. Yet today, I've felt weak in so many ways. Today I realise that I ask God for objective signs alot  to confirm my faith, today I realise that I've been relying alot on the objective signs I've experienced as a basis of my faith--because He has been faithful to me before via this and that, I know He is God and He is faithful. I belong to the portion of Jews who believe because they saw Jesus perform miracles and raise Lazarus from the dead. 

Today I want to be more. I want to be fearless before Him, and before others because of Him. 

 why hello there, haven't updated in a month (very bad, considering i'm only here for 5 months).

Life is as it is, been making a bit more effort to go out and explore Beijing at least during the course of the week (went to 恭王府 (和珅's mansion that he originally built, later occupied by Prince Gong (helped Cixi quite a fair bit during her 'reign')), then to 宋庆龄's old house (she was Madam 孙中山, her sister, 宋美龄 was madam 蒋介石( Chiang Kai-Shek), other sister married finance minister of something (宋霭龄）, going to 老舍茶馆tonight and hopefully 天坛on Saturday, God willing!) . 

Pictures...I have them on Chinese facebook, uploading is here is such a drag. 

Recently the idea of 'people power' in China has dawned upon me. How, through the ages, the people have been risen up against their many oppressors to effect change that even the most oppressive ruler could be overthrown. How people power is still very much latent here, the Chinese people are for the most part industrious, hard-working, sharp, they do know a lot about what is going on but only fight the battles that are worth fighting for, and of course, very patriotic. Of course these are all generalisations. There are too many people here to categorically say anything about the "Chinese people" as a whole unit. 

But the bit on how they only fight he battles that they see are worth fighting for, how they choose their battles and do not declare opposition and war on everything and anything just because their individual rights may be infringed upon, how they pause and consider others and broader considerations before rising up against a cause, how they generally prefer peace instead of confrontation, how they prefer to pursue their own  definitions of 幸福 instead of adopting others' definitions... this is what I think alot of outsiders don't get. 

www.chinadaily.com.cn/china/qinghai/2010-04/20/content_9749888.htm

I hope I never take one single  breath for granted 
I hope I still feel small when I stand beside the ocean
I hope I never fear those mountains in the distance
I hope I never settle for the path of least resistance
I hope I give the heavens above more than just a passing glance 
And when I get the chance to sit it out or dance
I hope I dance. 


Not the most apt picture, I must admit, but I LOVE IT. hahhaha! 

My life in pictures, due to overwhelming demand. hahha. 




Me at 鼓楼, or the ancient Chinese bell system in Beijing.

清华万岁！！



My school food absolutely rocks and this is how much I eat because IT ROCKS SO MUCH. and cheap, too. hahha! HINT: NUS LAW SCHOOL, PLEASE DO SOMETHING. 




Me on my bike, and YingXiang on my bike. If you could see her face she would look petrified. This is my default face, which is also my petrified face, sadly 




Me in one of the many societies I've joined, this is 定向越野, or Orienteering club. This is one of the few photos in which I'm in because my group was the last to arrive (really late) during the first activity at 奥运公园 (olympic park), and they couldn't wait for us for the group photos any more..hahah!


I hate uploading photos on livejournal because it's so SLOW here bah. I HAVE SPRING PHOTOS but you will have to wait longer for them. hahha! ENOUGH FOR NOW.  

heard this song and it basically captures the state that I am in now, after struggling against many things this week--my pride, my weaknesses, my sin, when I've stumbled and fallen, and after God has brought me back to my knees, face to face with Him, to do nothing but receive the gift of His love, to actually believe it, to be overawed by it, that God would send His Son not only to cross the bridge towards us when we did not yet know Him, but to give us the privilege of being His beloved children and to be called a brother by Christ Jesus Himself (Heb 2). 

The English translation of the song goes something like this: 

I pray, because I'm so small
I pray, because I know I need to; I know, your thoughts are important to me 
I pray, because I can no longer pretend 
I pray, because Your love I need, 
You care, and You understand what I've been through
 Somethings I only want to say to You, because You love me more than anyone else; 
When my pain flows from my eyes, I know You will rub the tears away for me 
In the morning I want to say to You, Today I will live for You; 
The strength I need You give me everyday; 
Your grace is sufficient for me. 

To listen: go youtube or youku the chinese title of the song. 

Church Sanctuary in Kunming, Yunan. Taken in 2008 when I visited there with the parents, and where I first liked China. 

A few things this week: 

- We label things that can't really be defined so we can refer to them conveniently; like how we call the way people live "culture" when it's really just people, people living their lives ordinarily, people being people in another place, in the same time. I've been caught up with this thing they call "culture", and even more so, this thing they call "cultural differences", sometimes focussing on the differences between people only serves to highlight them. And become bridges you burn before crossing. China is different, but people are still people. 

- Ephesians 6 talks about putting on the full armour of God. Today in church the speaker shared that the things of the world; the mini battles within us and with others that we wage, the daily difficulties and trials that come our way--do not be surprised that these are actually spiritual battles, that the Devil is actually shadow playing behind the scenes and that one of his devices to do so is to trick us into believing that he is no longer working in the lives of God's children. So we still wage spiritual wars everyday, and the battlefield can be anywhere: how we treat those around us, to our choices in daily life. And thus we need to put on the FULL ARMOUR of God, every single day. And besides that we are called to "pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests", to "be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints". (Eph 6:18). 

- Student vs. Tourist. I've been torn between both ends, I want to live the life of a typical student here yet I want t to explore China. If i do too much of either I won't get to do the other. Somehow I'm more inclined to be a student here, because that's alot of the point of exchange. Travelling I can always do in the future, as a traveller/tourist. Being a student in China in the best school here? Not something that comes by easily. 

- My friend, Ying. Thank God for my sister in Christ, Ying, who hails from the same school and faculty as me back home. And funnily enough we have a bit of history and future together: we've known each other since the earlier months of junior college, but were never close, we knew each other in uni, but were never close, and we're both going to be working for the same firm when we graduate, at least for a year. I suspect God has plans for me and her, as sisters in Christ. It's been trying on my part, because I've been needing to learn to adapt to someone else, to learn to love her as a sister in Christ, and I've been reminded many times that pride (mine) and love do not co-exist. And thank God for her, for her encouragement, for her support, for her being here. 

- Easter!! It's Good Friday and Easter soon:) funnily enough Easter Sunday corresponds to the 清明节 here, where the Chinese remember their ancestors and pay respects, so the Monday is a holiday here anyway. But not Friday. 

That's about all, need to go rest and do some reading :) Cheerios!